A while back I was on Tinder and I had connected with some really great guys.
One of them I found to be super interesting – he was living life full out. He was doing things that I’ve said I want to do – tons of travel and adventure – seizing every moment and opportunity.
We began chatting daily and things were going well – like, butterflies-in-your-belly-when-he-texts, well. There were a few minor things that popped up. Nothing huge, but still something. You know those little red flags – the ones you’re not sure are actually red flags? The ones that you wonder if you’re being crazy and just carrying shit from the past and projecting it onto this current person.
Then one night I wake up at 2:22 a.m with the feeling that I have to end things. And since I’m already putting myself out there to be a little crazy – the fact that I woke up at 2:22 (angel numbers y’all)- I took that as further confirmation that my gut was onto something.
It’s so interesting because part of you wants to continue chatting with them – so much so, that you swear to yourself that you’ll proceed with caution and promise yourself that the next sign you get that there’s something off, you’ll be outta there PRONTO. You and I both know that’s just the first of excuses of many more to come.
Then there’s that other part of you that whispers for you to close the door, NOW.
I don’t know about you, but if my subconscious is waking my ass up from a dead sleep, you bet your bottom dollar that Ima listen to it. So I do what any rational human being would do … I send him a text saying that I have to respectfully bow out.
Did I do the right thing? Yes. But not because I believe that me waking up in the middle of the night meant that there was something nefarious going on – who knows if it was or wasn’t. But it DID mean that something was trying to get my attention.
When I say I trust myself and that I always follow my inner guidance; it’s not just when it’s convenient.
I’m talking about trusting EVEN when it doesn’t make sense.
Even when my brain was saying, “ What if he’s the one?”
“What if this is your self-sabotaging pattern?”
What if, what if, what if. It doesn’t matter. I don’t choose trust just when it’s easy; I choose it all the time.
Whether it was a fear/hurt stemming from a past experience or whether it was my intuition giving me a nudge that something wasn’t right, either way, what I needed to experience from this interaction had been brought to light and now it was up to me to decide what to do.
You may be wondering why if it’s fear, don’t I stay and work through it. Valid question.
From my experience, it would’ve become a cycle of suspicion-soothing-dopamine hit-suspicion-soothing-dopamine hit … rinse and repeat.
I can only speak for myself – it’s better to work through it on my own and anchor in the new belief to a certain degree so that I am then able to work through it in a healthier manner with another human being.
It wasn’t a coincidence that I connected with someone who is living his life the way that I’ve journalled about thousands of times.
It wasn’t a coincidence that I connected with someone who brought my insecurities to the forefront.
This was an opportunity to build self-belief. To know that I could trust myself to take care of me. This is HUGE. It’s one of the reasons why we shy away from taking chances; because of all those other times we didn’t listen to our gut/feeling/thoughts and we got burned.
The gift that that was wrapped in him was a clear message for me to LIVE OUT LOUD. To take chances.
To put myself in the arena of life.
Will I get hurt? Maybe. Probably.
It’s part of the process.
I won’t die because of it. As a matter of fact, I’ll actually be living. Like, truly, living, life.
No numbing. No regretting.
And I’m fully aware that there will be times that I will feel that I didn’t make the smartest life choice in a particular instance, but as long as I making my life a verb, I’m good.
So, to the Tinder guy who reminded me to get in the damn arena … with my armor off … Thank you.